It's bedtime on my second full day. I'd say I have successfully completed my second day. The only males that I have communicated with today were in the performance of my job duties and a facebook chat conversation with my brother. I told my brother about my blog. Surprisingly, he did not call me a loser, but instead encouraged me and complimented my blog. It's always good to have support from the family, although, I'm not quite sure I want to tell my parents about this. I can already see the disapproving looks from my mother. My dad, I can only assume, would neither support nor undermine my attempts.
Today I have spent a lot of time thinking about why I am so compelled to find someone. My honest answer is that I have no clue. Reasons like, because we as humans weren't meant to be alone, seem especially crappy. While I do believe that to a point, it doesn't seem acceptable. It's missing something. The thought had occurred to me, that I look because I want to look and I want to find someone, but I am still missing the why, the compelling factor. I really want to understand this. Hopefully, by the end of my 30 day dating hiatus, I will have a little more clarity here.
The part I do understand is my approach. I have long been of the philosophy that the more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet someone worthwhile. It was this very approach that led me to RR. Before I met RR, I had been on about 10 first dates, but I was hell-bent of finding someone "worthwhile."
RR and I met through okcupid.com. Looking back, I remember not being all that interested in him. The pictures on his profile weren't that great and it didn't seem that we had too much in common. I agreed to meet him anyway, this was all part of my quest. We planned to meet at Thurman's on an especially cold night in January. I was early and I waited outside for him. He was right on time, which was the only time in our entire 2 year relationship that he was ever on time for anything. I wish I would have known. My first thought upon meeting him was, "WOW!" He was very good looking, fit. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Mine. We had a great first date. Talked for hours, and could have kept going, except for the fact that we both had to work in the morning. He walked me to my car, I drove him back to his. No kiss. He told me what a great time he had and that he wanted to see me again and then he jumped out of my car like he was scared of me.
I will admit, RR and I's relationship was nearly perfect in the beginning. We were very enthusiastic about each other. RR told me he loved me after knowing me for only 11 days. Before we even had sex. Now this would be a flaming red flag, but at the time, I was blinded by infatuation. Things were good for about 8 months. He was the most romantic guy I had ever dated. He bought me flowers for no reason, surprised me with weekend trips, and gave me my first piece of jewelry from Tiffany's. He took me to nice places and treated me like a lady. He introduced me to his parents and I became part of his family.
I'll never forget when our relationship would take a turn for the worst, never to return to good again. It was summer time and we were grilling out at his place. When we sat down to eat, he told me that he was going to do a cycle of steroids to prepare for a power lifting competition. Drugs, really? Why that? Why something illegal? We talked about it, or more like, I tried to talk him out of it. He had already made up his mind. This was not OK. We fought, argued, cried, and finally, I left. That lasted two days. He called me, he couldn't live without me. I had been sick without him, too. He wanted to talk, to compromise. Was that even possible? We met, we talked, he got his way. His compromise was that it would only be ONE cycle, then he would stop. I reluctantly and stupidly agreed to that. After that our relationship was never the same. I never felt like that was a compromise. I had conceded. I resented it, too.
The next catastrophic event eroded everything good that was left of our relationship. Kyle's dad was killed in a car accident. All of a sudden I was a completely single mom with a son mourning the loss of his father. I didn't know what the hell to do. RR did his best to be supportive, at first. The only problem with his support is that he did it his way. He didn't support me the way that I needed to be supported. I know this sounds incredibly selfish, but it is true. It didn't take long before he got tired of the situation. Then, instead of offering support, I got accused of still being in love with my ex-husband. He told me to get over it. I didn't have a reason to still be upset about him dying. I should be happy. He told me that he would be happy if his son's mother died. This is when I realized that my father had be right, this dude was a complete ass. I should have left long before I did. I stayed. I stayed because Kyle clung to him, needed him, desperately wanted him to be his "other dad." I was afraid to leave. Afraid of what it may do to Kyle, not wanting to put him through any more unnecessary loss.
During my time of despair, I lost track of the one cycle of steroids. Unbeknown to me, one cycle had become stacking several and many cycles of that. When I finally realized this, the fight was on. I demanded that he stop and he insisted that he wouldn't. We fought and fought. Our relationship deteriorated even more. There was no compromising. I did something that I had promised myself that I would never do. I gave him an ultimatum. He did not pick me. He chose to leave. He was like every addict I have ever met. He wasn't the problem, the drugs aren't the problem. The problem was me having a problem with the drugs. I gave him one last ultimatum. I told him that if he ever contacted me again that I would tell his parents, not only that he was doing steroids, but that he was buying and selling them, too. After the day that he moved out, I never heard from him again.
That is some depressing shit.
On a positive note, I got an awesome surprise today. No, it was not a stripper that was sent to my door to sabotage my 30 days. Good guess. My friend is in town and I get to have lunch with her on Friday!
I'm staying strong, so far. Here comes the hard part: my days off. This will be the true test of my will and conviction!
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